Snow White and the Seven Samurai

[Drunk Monk]

Snow White and the Seven Samurai. What a great title! Too bad it looks terrible.

That someone made this is 2024 is boggling - it feels like something 70s although there would be more gratuitous nekkidity. There is none. 

Eric Roberts is a coke lord with a daughter nicknamed Snow White. He exits quickly with an early death. There’s a struggle for power with the 4 Pillars crime lords. Rampage is the pussywbipped (I know I know, npc term, but it truly fits here) right hand hit man for the villainess evil stepmom widow of Eric. He attacks Snow and leaves her for dead only to be rescued by the onamusha - underground female samurai showers once a hundred strong in LA but have been whittled down to 7 by the four pillars. These onamusha were leather jackets and skin tight pants with midriff and cleavage showcasing halters and sword strapped to their backs.

Man, I don’t even know why I bother to describe the plot. Everything is flat here, dialog, delivery, pacing, story, the fights - my lord the fights are weak. It’s like something we might’ve done back before we were fencing masters, Shaolin disciples and award winning scriptwriters and award winning filmmakers. So bad. So dumb.

I shouldve bailed but I was hoping there might be some twisted shocking scene in the end, some reward for my endurance, but no. It ends on the same dumb note that it began with and played incessantly as nauseam. 

Don’t even go here. No redeeming qualities at all.

Not D00M recommended at all.