08-23-2014, 12:06 PM
A greedy mayor, believing there’s a shipwreck of gold beneath the sand, enlists a couple of teenage goons in wresting a beach from the local teens. But the computer geek among them uses his computer wiles to turn the tables on the mayor, even while dating his daughter.
This movie is so bad as to make it so good that it becomes even badder than bad. Yep, it flipped one too many times on the way to the floor. There is almost no redeeming quality to this clunker. The reason I say almost is because of the lead actress, one Stacey Nemour. She lights up the screen with a performance so far beyond the rest of the inept cast as to attain, by her fingertips, mediocrity. To be fair, she is relaxed before the camera, and very expressive and engaging. In fact, she’s legitimately sexy. One can see how, with her flicker of talent, it required another yet vehicular trainwreck (Hardcase and Fist (1989), featuring Carter Wong) to totally derail her onto the sidecar of fitness videos (at a time when I was venturing ever deeper into mixed metaphor-land).
The movie was filmed circa 1985, but required a second regurgitation to fully make it to video. To put it another way, a salvage team was called in to try to muster a colloidal (celuloidal?) suspension from an otherwise highly fragmented shoot. The salvage team had fun. Some of the dubbed voices are so absurd that the old-school Hong Kong kung fu movie dubbers would drop to their knees in kowtow wowment. There’s computers everywhere, doing ridiculous things. One is in the glove compartment of a car, and when Geekboy types in a command, a crude (ASCII?) diagram of a jet engine appears, and the car races ahead to win -- only there’s no footage of the car going fast, just of bystanders jerking their heads ridiculously from one side to another. Geekboy arranges beach parties with another computer, and I think taps into a computer dating service to invite lots of girls. Then there’s the graphics of two hearts approaching each other, which he shows his girlfriend (Stacey Nemour) -- I guess because he can’t say “I love you.”
There’s lots of beach party scenes, with the band Panther playing all the time. Panther is (was) a real rock band, and they’re not bad -- though maybe this is a contextual thing. The lead singer/guitarist is Roger Nemour -- and yes, he’s Stacey’s brother. The band members (especially Roger) have perfected the art of rushing at the camera and making funny faces. For the finale, the Drifters puts in a surprise appearance to perform “Down by the Boardwalk.”
The movie was shot in Galveston, Texas. One of the problems with Texas is that it’s against the law to film nudity. The director, not to be stymied, did a stealth shoot of a couple making out in the back seat of a convertible who are bothered by a ridiculous cop. This appears early in the film, and these are incidental characters. In fact, with a little behind-the-scenes research on the web, it turns out the guy is the grip, the gal is the script girl.
Late in the movie (which runs only 55 minutes), the mayor’s evil plans fall through, and there appears on the screen the following text:
Alas, no doubt a very good swordfight ended up on the cutting room floor.
The question you’re all begging to ask is, Does Stacey ever show her one-eyed melons? Well, the answer is ... I’m not certain. At the film’s climax, even as Geekboy types away at yet another computer, this one in the back of a van, Stacey enters and distracts him with her wiles, and they end up doing the beast with two backs thing but in such a badly filmed and edited way, and with horrid comedic flourishes, that it’s really hard to say what happened. Perhaps, perhaps not.
All in all, a wonderful waste of 55 minutes of one’s time. If you care to bite, try here.
https://archive.org/details/Computer_Bea...y_DVD_1988
This movie is so bad as to make it so good that it becomes even badder than bad. Yep, it flipped one too many times on the way to the floor. There is almost no redeeming quality to this clunker. The reason I say almost is because of the lead actress, one Stacey Nemour. She lights up the screen with a performance so far beyond the rest of the inept cast as to attain, by her fingertips, mediocrity. To be fair, she is relaxed before the camera, and very expressive and engaging. In fact, she’s legitimately sexy. One can see how, with her flicker of talent, it required another yet vehicular trainwreck (Hardcase and Fist (1989), featuring Carter Wong) to totally derail her onto the sidecar of fitness videos (at a time when I was venturing ever deeper into mixed metaphor-land).
The movie was filmed circa 1985, but required a second regurgitation to fully make it to video. To put it another way, a salvage team was called in to try to muster a colloidal (celuloidal?) suspension from an otherwise highly fragmented shoot. The salvage team had fun. Some of the dubbed voices are so absurd that the old-school Hong Kong kung fu movie dubbers would drop to their knees in kowtow wowment. There’s computers everywhere, doing ridiculous things. One is in the glove compartment of a car, and when Geekboy types in a command, a crude (ASCII?) diagram of a jet engine appears, and the car races ahead to win -- only there’s no footage of the car going fast, just of bystanders jerking their heads ridiculously from one side to another. Geekboy arranges beach parties with another computer, and I think taps into a computer dating service to invite lots of girls. Then there’s the graphics of two hearts approaching each other, which he shows his girlfriend (Stacey Nemour) -- I guess because he can’t say “I love you.”
There’s lots of beach party scenes, with the band Panther playing all the time. Panther is (was) a real rock band, and they’re not bad -- though maybe this is a contextual thing. The lead singer/guitarist is Roger Nemour -- and yes, he’s Stacey’s brother. The band members (especially Roger) have perfected the art of rushing at the camera and making funny faces. For the finale, the Drifters puts in a surprise appearance to perform “Down by the Boardwalk.”
The movie was shot in Galveston, Texas. One of the problems with Texas is that it’s against the law to film nudity. The director, not to be stymied, did a stealth shoot of a couple making out in the back seat of a convertible who are bothered by a ridiculous cop. This appears early in the film, and these are incidental characters. In fact, with a little behind-the-scenes research on the web, it turns out the guy is the grip, the gal is the script girl.
Late in the movie (which runs only 55 minutes), the mayor’s evil plans fall through, and there appears on the screen the following text:
Quote:Dear Audience: The Mayor now knows that Turk is a fool and that there is absolutely no treasure on the beach. We have elected not to show our viewers the violence connected with this discovery. The Producers.
Alas, no doubt a very good swordfight ended up on the cutting room floor.
The question you’re all begging to ask is, Does Stacey ever show her one-eyed melons? Well, the answer is ... I’m not certain. At the film’s climax, even as Geekboy types away at yet another computer, this one in the back of a van, Stacey enters and distracts him with her wiles, and they end up doing the beast with two backs thing but in such a badly filmed and edited way, and with horrid comedic flourishes, that it’s really hard to say what happened. Perhaps, perhaps not.
All in all, a wonderful waste of 55 minutes of one’s time. If you care to bite, try here.
https://archive.org/details/Computer_Bea...y_DVD_1988
