The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (2005)

[Drunk Monk]

This is one of those Rodriguez films I missed until last night. It's so odd. Apparently it was inspired by stories from his kids - his son Rebel was largely responsible for Man at Arms. 

It's such a misfire in so many ways. You shouldn't make movies based on what your kids dream up, just reality shows about making weapons. 

Shark Boy is Taylor Lautner as a kid and he's not bad. After Twilight, he was positioning to be a martial arts star but I think Taylor Swift wrecked him. Lava Girl is Taylor Dooley (too many Taylors here) and she's not bad either. The lead protag Max is terrible. And the villain is George Lopez, who I've never liked. 

It's visually interesting because it's a lot of CGI dreamscapes. Some of the ideas are imaginative, but it's cheesy CGI, which almost works in its own way, but no. It was 3D, so a lot of stuff is spit at you, which may have worked. I kept thinking that if this was reedited with a dubstep soundtrack and projected on an underground warehouse wall, it might work. But that's doubtful. 

No sword fights. Not DOOM recommended. 

I watched this as a prelude to We Can Be Heroes which just hit Netflix. I'll probably watch that soon and review it here later.

[Drunk Monk]

We Can Be Heroes

Since Man at Arms, Robert Rodriguez has been mi jefe. But man, this movie sucks.

It's about the kids of heroes who have to save the world because their parents are captured by aliens. One of the kids, Guppy, is the daughter of Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Taylor L didn't reappear so his replacement is masked and has no lines. Taylor D returns but she's barely into it. The main protag gal is the daughter of the Mandalorian, but she has no powers. 

It overplays the old kid movie tropes to death - teamwork, believe in yourself, your difference is your strength, blah, blah, blah. The effects are cheesy and they don't work as a vintage or surreal because this is 2021. 

Rodriguez can make okay kids films - Spy Kids was alright. Not sure why this franchise is so pathetic. There is a nice latinx angle to it, but that's its only redemption. 

This would have been so much better if the adult heroes were Machete and Alita. Priyanka is the villain again. She can be a great actress but her Hollywood roles have got her typecast. Like Swift wrecked Lautner, Nick wrecked Priyanka. 

There are tentacles. Lots of tentacles. I suppose that's another redemption. 

The Mandalorian has two swords slung across his back. He draws them and jumps into a next of tentacles. That's no sword fight. Not DOOM recommended at all.

[Greg]

I was curious about this. It was generating buzz. Now, I am not. I hear the sequel is in the works.

[Drunk Monk]

I jumped on this grenade for everyone here. Both of them.

And having the youngest kid, I'm believe I'm more connected to kid movies than any DOOMer. 

The first grenade was painful. The second was lethal. 

The ultimate moral lesson at the end almost worked. But it made it worse because of the 'almost'.

You can thank me later.