04-11-2020, 11:28 AM
With COVID-19 reminding us all of our own mortality, and with Easter Sunday on the horizon, it seemed a good time to revisit my faith or lack thereof. In hindsight, this was perhaps not the best vehicle for that. I had a number of misconceptions going in, thinking that the "nude" in the title alluded merely to nuns bearing their hearts and souls. And that "big guns" referred to their matronly aspects (a bit crude, granted, but one needs to sell the movie). As it turns out, there was nudity, and quite a bit of it. Not gratuitous, mind you, as the convent in question (like most, for supplementary income) has a coke lab in the basement, and you can't have the nuns pilfering the product. [Back when I worked in a coke lab in Indiana, you couldn't even wear a smile (which was what ultimately got me fired)]. And while some of the nuns do in fact have oversized breasts, the "big guns" in the title actually refers to some rather large firearms that Sister Sarah and her lesbian lover are packing.
Another misconception I had was with the storyline: I was expecting to see nuns battling inner demons, questioning their faith or even losing it, with a story arc in which there is a miracle at the end that causes them to regain it. But throughout the movie, faith never wavers. The protagonist Sister Sarah does admittedly sin. When caught kissing her lesbian lover, she's appropriately disciplined -- beaten up, forced into prostitution, and ultimately given a drug overdose and then left to die. But after a kindly old man nurses her back to health, she reiterates her faith. In fact, while she was in a coma, God spoke directly to her, and gave her a new mission -- to kill all the people who had hurt her (and there's a lot of them). Well, she's going to need some help with that, the old man tells her, pulling out of storage two big guns that would give Dirty Harry a hard-on. That's when Sister Sarah mentions God's corollary -- to kill even those who help her -- whereupon she shoots him between the eyes.
Before long there's a whole lot of folks with three eyes in the upper echelons of the church, though sometimes for good measure she gives them four shots (forehead, sternum, right shoulder, left shoulder). Threatened, the head honchos (abbess, cardinal, whatever their various funny outfits signify) do the only thing they can. They hire the local motorcycle gang to take her out.
The motorcycle gang is like Hell's Angels only without the angels. Chavo heads the gang. He's the main villain in the movie and capably played by David Castro, who's a cross between Charles Manson and Frank Grillo. Chavo tells his gang, "We're looking for a nun. A nun with big guns." Whereupon Half Breed, a bit slow on the uptake (like me), says, "Big guns? You mean she's got big tits?" But the nun soon clarifies matters by picking off gang members in her spare time as she continues to kill church heads.
You'll notice that up to this point I've avoided making a pun on "habit." Such juvenile humor is far below me these days. The only reason I'm calling attention to this here is so that you give me credit for my growing maturity.
But back to the movie, and Chavo, who's starting to feel a bit put upon. Rounding up the remains of his gang, he clarifies matters: "Listen up! There's a vigilante on the streets going around killing bad guys. And in case you forgot, we're the bad guys!"
To tell more would be to give too much away. But rest assured that this film serves as a crucible of hope, with a clear message that we are watched over by a greater power, and that, based on the final scene, this story is far from over, and that, God willing, there will be a sequel, and a sequel to that one, and onward, for all eternity.
P.S. In checking IMDB, I noticed one sobering bit of trivia -- Gary Ede turned down the role of Chavo to work in finance. One might rightly ask, who is Gary Ede? Well, he's an unknown financier these days. It boggles the mind to think he could have played Chavo ... and gone on to become an unknown actor...
Another misconception I had was with the storyline: I was expecting to see nuns battling inner demons, questioning their faith or even losing it, with a story arc in which there is a miracle at the end that causes them to regain it. But throughout the movie, faith never wavers. The protagonist Sister Sarah does admittedly sin. When caught kissing her lesbian lover, she's appropriately disciplined -- beaten up, forced into prostitution, and ultimately given a drug overdose and then left to die. But after a kindly old man nurses her back to health, she reiterates her faith. In fact, while she was in a coma, God spoke directly to her, and gave her a new mission -- to kill all the people who had hurt her (and there's a lot of them). Well, she's going to need some help with that, the old man tells her, pulling out of storage two big guns that would give Dirty Harry a hard-on. That's when Sister Sarah mentions God's corollary -- to kill even those who help her -- whereupon she shoots him between the eyes.
Before long there's a whole lot of folks with three eyes in the upper echelons of the church, though sometimes for good measure she gives them four shots (forehead, sternum, right shoulder, left shoulder). Threatened, the head honchos (abbess, cardinal, whatever their various funny outfits signify) do the only thing they can. They hire the local motorcycle gang to take her out.
The motorcycle gang is like Hell's Angels only without the angels. Chavo heads the gang. He's the main villain in the movie and capably played by David Castro, who's a cross between Charles Manson and Frank Grillo. Chavo tells his gang, "We're looking for a nun. A nun with big guns." Whereupon Half Breed, a bit slow on the uptake (like me), says, "Big guns? You mean she's got big tits?" But the nun soon clarifies matters by picking off gang members in her spare time as she continues to kill church heads.
You'll notice that up to this point I've avoided making a pun on "habit." Such juvenile humor is far below me these days. The only reason I'm calling attention to this here is so that you give me credit for my growing maturity.
But back to the movie, and Chavo, who's starting to feel a bit put upon. Rounding up the remains of his gang, he clarifies matters: "Listen up! There's a vigilante on the streets going around killing bad guys. And in case you forgot, we're the bad guys!"
To tell more would be to give too much away. But rest assured that this film serves as a crucible of hope, with a clear message that we are watched over by a greater power, and that, based on the final scene, this story is far from over, and that, God willing, there will be a sequel, and a sequel to that one, and onward, for all eternity.
P.S. In checking IMDB, I noticed one sobering bit of trivia -- Gary Ede turned down the role of Chavo to work in finance. One might rightly ask, who is Gary Ede? Well, he's an unknown financier these days. It boggles the mind to think he could have played Chavo ... and gone on to become an unknown actor...
I'm nobody's pony.
