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Aging Parent(s)
#1
My mother lives in assisted living. I got a call from them telling me that I needed to get a 24 hour attendant for her because she needed more management. The assisted living people were demanding that i hire assistance. It turns out that their assistance is just food, laundry and cleaning. So now I have to move her somewhere else. And in the meantime I have to have someone in there 24 hours a day at $25 an hour. Thank God she had the house in Cupertino, or there would be no money for this. And luckily her mind is slipping, so she just kind of goes with whatever is going on. On the other hand, for me it's pretty stressful.
the hands that guide me are invisible
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#2
“Stressful” seems a little understated, but there it is. You’ll be able to get her in someplace soon, do you think? Does anyone in your immediate circle have any suggestions for a place? I hear Roseville near Sac’to has a bunch of nice places.

I also remember visiting my mom in the hospital and seeing her completely detached from reality for the first time. Without the context of her house, she had no idea where she was. The nurses had her restrained for legit safety reasons and she wanted to know she was being housed in the conference room at a bowling alley.

Once she got so bad that she couldn’t stay in her house (where my brother, Steve, had done all the caretaking for 10 + years and finally couldn’t do it any longer) she didn’t last more than 6 weeks at a home before slipping away at last.

How long has Kay been at this other facility? Are you legally in the clear to make the decisions?
In the Tudor Period, Fencing Masters were classified in the Vagrancy Laws along with Actors, Gypsys, Vagabonds, Sturdy Rogues, and the owners of performing bears.
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#3
I've already found a place in Sunnyvale, which was actually a place we looked at when we first moved her, and made the deposit, so she'll move by the end of the month. They have more staff and are more hands-on, instead of just no help or dementia ward, there is some in between. I've got the power of attorney, so I can do everything, and my brother is okay with that (probably because he doesn't want to do anything). We actually looked at this place when we first moved her, three years ago, but she was in better condition than most of the residents, and she didn't like it. Now she's right with them. Fortunately she's now just accepting of whatever happens, and doesn't get upset.

I wonder if she'll give up or get a second wind after we move her. With her memory slipping so much, she's pretty content, I think for the first time in her adult life. Talking to her is tedious with so much repetition, but she isn't judgmental any more and never says anything mean.

I don't know how Steve could have done that for so long. I couldn't.
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#4
He paid (and is still paying) a high price for his devotion, but it was his choice in order to make amends for the past. Also, my mom stayed positive and pleasant throughout her decline, no meaness or lashing out in frustration. Seems like the two ways to go when you are losing your memories/self: Scared turns to mean, or acceptance turns to peace.

Steve gave up his working life and still suffers from depression.

I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but I echo your earlier remark about the house in Cupertino. It was like winning a very slow lottery for my mom.
In the Tudor Period, Fencing Masters were classified in the Vagrancy Laws along with Actors, Gypsys, Vagabonds, Sturdy Rogues, and the owners of performing bears.
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#5
In my family dynamic, my sister Roberta plays the role of King Bob, while my other sister and I play the Mark role.

I haven't communicated with my mother since November and I have no plans to do so in the future. The burden of my mother's care, and it is a burden, falls to Roberta. It's driving her nuts. My mother should move to a smaller house or maybe an apartment but no one can tell her what to do. She still has enough mental faculties to get her own way. But her mobility is pretty close to zero at this point.

Fortunately my folks were able to set enough money aside to give her a pretty steady income at this point. She has no money worries despite the fact she thinks she is going broke.

Good for you for being there for your mom.
As a matter of fact, my anger does keep me warm

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#6
Sorry to hear KB. Sounds like a really rough go. As you all know, my mom was caretaker for my dad for over a decade until he had a fall and could no longer negotiate all the dumb stairs in our house, plus his medical issues like his catheter management was beyond us. So we had him in a home in Sunnyvale for his final years.

Not to steal your thunder (if that makes any sense at all here) but as some of you know already, I had a major family emergency last weekend, one that may take months or even years to recover from - it’s a total world shift for me, but I prefer to keep it confidential and am grateful for your respect of my privacy.
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#7
My mom is 83, completely lucid and still drives.

I visited her the other day to help move furniture. I realized I'm not as young and strong as my mom remembered me.

Time is weird.
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#8
My mom is in her late 80s and still drives although only locally and in daylight.  She's one of the last drivers among her circle of friends, so her weekly regimen is chauffeuring them to stores and doctor's appointments and such.  She's doing well, often complaining that she's losing her memory but then remembers things that I do not.  I've been dropping by every week for well over a decade and a half now.  And there's always this fear that I'll open the door and she'll be in some horrible state, collapsed from a fall or worse.  But she's there, watching TV at high volume, like always.  I think my dad's sudden collapse put that fear in me.  

My dad was super handy being an engineer and all.  He could fix all manner of stuff.  My mom asked me to fix her paper shredder about a month ago and I was like 'Mom, just buy a new one.'
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#9
ED, good for your mom. FYI, after about 85 is when my mom started to decline, so watch for signs of slippage. Luckily I managed to set up the will, trust, and power of attorney back while she was still lucid.

Greg, I think I am somewhere between you and your sister. I do take care of things for my mom, not from devotion but because my brother (consciously or not) adopted a tactic of doing nothing so that I had to. I have cut back on visiting her because it's both depressing and tedious; I think now my brother actually sees her more often than I do. I only go twice a month unless she has a doctor's appointment. She doesn't remember when I've last been there, so I feel like it doesn't matter that much. My mother used to be difficult (although nowhere near as bad as your mom) which leaves me less eager to see her than I might be otherwise.

DM, sorry to hear that.
the hands that guide me are invisible
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#10
It’s actually fine for now. My mom is doing great, all things considered. She drives me nuts as parents do, like last week she lost her hearing aid again and kept going ‘what? What?! WHAT?!? Well, you don’t have to yell.’ But she’s enjoying her life, still going to museum exhibits, concerts and plays, and golfing. I’m grateful for every evening I still can spend with her, and am fine with the chores she leaves for me. It’s surreal to spend a night a week in the house i grew up in, and I often find myself searching for the ghost of my father when there, counting the nights until inevitable change will shatter this comfortable routine we have since my dad passed. 

At least you guys got sibs. Am I the only DOOM only child? That might explain a lot.

I’m curious where your mom ended up. I know several of the homes from my dad’s situation and wonder if it is one of them.
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#11
DM - she's going to Sunrise in Sunnyvale, on Knickerbocker right by El Camino. You can see the BevMo from her window. And off topic, but I got a new phone and lost contact info for you. Can you text it? Thanks.
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#12
DM, I have two brothers and will gladly give you one.
In the Tudor Period, Fencing Masters were classified in the Vagrancy Laws along with Actors, Gypsys, Vagabonds, Sturdy Rogues, and the owners of performing bears.
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#13
Sunrise...sorry, don't know that place. I worked as a med lab courier for a few years - my route was Palo Alto, Mtn Vw & Svale, but that wasn't one of the facilities I serviced.   

My dad spent his last days at Mountain View Healthcare, near the hospital.  

um yeti...thanks?
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