Alita: Battle Angel

[Drunk Monk]

I’m at the advanced screener. The regular screener is next week. This one came with a red carpet, a photo booth, and it’s 3d Imax. 

Yay!

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Schweet!

[Drunk Monk]

Well that was kinda awesome. Death robot rollerball with swords. I was fantasizing about getting some exclusive interview material from mi gran jefe Robert, but I somehow didn’t grok the Cameron factor. This screener happened around the world. There was a Q&A vid with cast and directors and the end and people were sending questions from Paris and such. No way I’m getting to Robert on this one. And Marko messaged me privately on my instagram. I was going to tap him too, but he only appears in one scene and has no lines or action. But still, it was enjoyable escapist fare - simple plot really, a tad hackneyed, a father/daughter tale (sort of, and I have a huge soft spot for those) but the fight scenes were really fun. Swords! Cyborgs with swords! Luv that.

[Drunk Monk]

I swapped some messages with Marko.  He said he had several scenes - a face off with Alita and a repair scene in the pits.  He hasn't seen it yet and I feel bad being the one to say he got cut.  I didn't see him in the Alita fight but that was a big barroom brawl and I could've missed him, although I was keeping an eye out.  Marko rolled with it and gave me some pull quotes for my review.  Such is the biz.  He has one good clear head shot, and his credit is above Rick Yune's who has several clear head shots.  I'm really bummed out for him.  

FYI, this is a big screen flick but I don't think the Imax or the 3D was that robust. It's really all about the action scenes, the Alita effects and girl power.

[Greg]

If you like, The Queen has a few choice words she could share with you about Cameron.

[Drunk Monk]

[Greg]

So, Matt Damon struggles to get to the orbital city of Elysium to escape the slums of Earth by donning robotic armor.

It was better than previous nights fare of Hellboy, but not by much. Maybe we should have seen it on the big screen to be intoxicated enough by the visuals to overlook the plot held together with sticky tape and bandaids, which all come loose by the third act.

Is she a robot? Is she partly human? If she is human which part of her is that? And how does a love affair with a human work? We've seen her without her clothes and she doesn't seem to have the bits necessary for coupling?

There were so many story segments going on that were talked about and then abandoned. There was the killed prostitutes story. There were Hunter Killers. There was Motor Ball. There was the daughter/father angle. Telling the movie started with the title card saying something about After the fall. The Queen's first question that couldn't satisfactorily be answered was "The Fall of what?" There was the battle with Mars as well. Lots of disparate elements that never really tied together.

The most egregious kludge were the motor ball sequences. Did Cameron just finish watching Roller Ball and had a great idea? Or was Alita a sequel to Roller Ball. And the announcer at the Motor Ball games sounded like he was still doing bits for Dodgeball: The Movie.

And then they left it on a cliffhanger, so assured where they that there would be a sequel. And you only got to see what was the bad guy for a few seconds.

Can someone get Jennifer Connely a sandwich. She always looks too skinny. And what films isn't Mahersala Ali in?

[Drunk Monk]

All true and I’m not posting this as any defense, just a note to jostle your ethnicentricism. Alita is based on a long running manga started in 1990 and still going. This was intended to be a franchise launch and all those dangling story lines were teases for fans. For example, Marko’s character plays a major role later in the series. So it’s kinda like some of the MCU in that way - like wth was up with the scarlet witch? I don’t know and I didn’t really care. 

It predates Elysium which some accused as ripping off Alita (I say they both ripped off Star Trek TOS - cloud minders). Fair cop on Rollerball tho.

What fascinates me was that Salazar never got called out for whitewashing like ScarJo. She’s not white tho so I guess she gets a pass?

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

The rental price came down to $3.99, so I watched it. It was very colorful world-building, the characters were appealing, it was obvs the attempted start of a franchise.

Answers for Greg:

The Fall of the Floating Cities (and civilization)

The Dead Hookers (good band name) organs harvested by the gang that Alita and dad encounter. “The only way up to the city is in parts” said Vector (Mahersala Ali). Parts is parts.

Rollerball: Ripping off stuff is a Cameron pastime, but if you call it an “homage” no lawsuit!

I know the bad guy was Edward Norton, but only because Amazon told me.

Perfectly good action sequences, great special effects. 10 bonus points for Jeff Fahey.

Ethnocentrism: Scar Jo was playing a Japanese android cop, but Ms. Salazar was playing a Japanese android. Huge world of difference!

Basically, y’all need to chill and just enjoy.