my father

[cranefly]

My father was in bad shape for quite a while before he passed, so it was more like a gradual fading. Still, the moment he was gone, a hole appeared in the family. It was palpable, and lingered for a long time. My condolences.

If you need help with anything -- transportation for you or others, or hanging out or anything else -- just let me know.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

The deep sadness at the loss and the guilty relief that it is over.

You have my phone number, don't hesitate to use it. I still have that bottle of whisky here, too.

-Y

[Drunk Monk]

As you well know, it's been a long time coming.

My family seems to be doing ok, all in all. S had one of her visions the moment of my dad's passing. That has happened before with her when people close to her have passed. It's a little eerie, and her scientific side always denies when it happens, but she knew the moment our phone rang that her sense had been right again. T had a nightmare at that time too, which consequently woke me up. My mom awoke at 4, which is early for her, only to receive 'the call' about an hour later. My mom has a feeling of relief now. My parents both have Neptune Society, paid in full, and there will be no service. My dad's ashes will be spread on some plot of roses that the Neptune Society maintains just for this.

As for me, one of the pitfalls of having a degree in psych is that Kubler-Ross's 5 stages are branding into my brain from studying for the GRE over a quarter century ago. Given my dad's 'longest death scene ever' I'm long past denial, bargaining and acceptance. The depression comes through in waves. Some of you have been there already, so you know. It catches me on my lonely commute, or when I'm doing the dishes as doing dishes has been a longstanding meditation on my father because it was one of the chores he kept doing long after his stroke. One of my good friends, Master Grace Wu, sent a lovely bouquet of white flowers (white being the color of mourning for Chinese). I wish she hadn't because it's another trigger, but I understand. I've been keeping this pretty quiet overall - only my close friends know, and a few assorted work associates. The hardest part is dealing with my anger. I've always had anger issues, most of which I've managed through my martial arts, plus the deadhead scene softened that up a lot. But that rage is always lurking. I have to manage my anger because people around me can't manage their stupidity. For example, when I told my immediate coworkers, my boss Gigi, in her speak-without-thinking manner exclaimed "So sudden!" I know she meant to give a sincere reaction - she knew of his stroke and that he's been in hospice for 8 months - but her mouth moves faster than her brain most of the time. I reflexively retorted with "ten years..." with a major eye-roll. I'm just glad that its Friday because I just don't want to snap at any of my coworkers. Despite being a martial arts company, they are not warriors, and I know all their tender spots - it's just an instinctive thing martial arts people do - we keep track of that sort of stuff. Those visions of how satisfying it would be to cut them down, well, I got to keep that in check because it would just be too antisocial.

Tomorrow is the Anchor Brewery tour - Lucky 13 - and it reminds me a little of our tour 7 years ago, just after my dear friend Buster died. I was bedside for his passing along with several other senior Rock Medders. Buster didn't have any immediate family. We stayed with him in ICU long into the night, until his time came. It was a rainy night in Oakland. The tour, a few days later, was very purgative. Buster loved that event, and Raz told a great story about how up until just before he passed, Buster hoped to make it to the tour. Of course, there was some solidarity as many attending the tour knew Buster. No one there knew my dad. A few know of his situation, but none know of his passing yet. It's a challenging as I've taken point on planning this year, but I got a DD for it, so I can drown some sorrows and get home safely.

I haven't really broached this in depth with T. I stayed with my mom on Wednesday, the night of my dad's death. S said T had a big cry that night and worries about how to be around me now. I was going to talk to her this morning, but I just couldn't quite muster the strength yet. We will both go over to my mom's for Easter (S is working). And will bring the pom, who just had a bath, because he cheers everyone up. My mom has always been into Easter and she and T have a longstanding tradition of dying eggs (odd now that T is vegan, but I love hardboiled eggs so it's all good). S has been my rock through this, tossing me softballs and checking in on me.

I'm setting up next week to be distracting. I'll probably stay at my mom's on Easter as S can pick up T and take her home. I'm catching a screener in SF on Wednesday for Brick Mansions, and taking an extra telecommute day on Thursday. So I'm moving forward quickly, or at least trying to do so, providing I don't stab anyone for idiocy.

[El Dingo]

Condolences my friend.

Your dad gave me a place to stay and put up with my bounced rent checks while I was trying to get my life together. I would have been in a bad place without his support. I have tried very hard to be like him in patience and kindness. I owe him a lot.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Curate your music intake. It penetrates all defenses.

[Drunk Monk]

I'm as ok as to be expected.

A bit of advice for those of you still headed here - figure out how many death certs you need. You must use originals, not copies. Looks like we'll need 15-20 of them. However now in CA, you don't get a discount if you buy them all at the same time anymore. It's $12 per, and it's just easier to process all at once. A

Friday Kung Fu was great for venting. We did some controlled light contact free sparring and my partner was this 17 year old kid, young, bright, serious and in great physical shape. But he hasn't really sparred before and doesn't have much of a game, so it was pretty easy to get the best of him. It wasn't in a harmful vitriolic way - I like the kid a lot and hope he excels in the art. In fact, it's sort of this weird game with him and me - should I tell him his weaknesses so he can improve more quickly (at which point he'll be able to kick my ass because he's quicker, stronger, more flexible and all those sorts of things young men are) or should I just continue to exploit his weaknesses until he figures it out? My inclination is the latter, at least for now.

Sat was the anchor tour - lucky 13. I only shared news of my dad's passing to a few of my more intimate friends, as I was one of the main hosts, so needed to keep the party rolling. There were three new beers - a lot for Anchor in just one year. The Saison is a seasonal flavored with lemongrass and ginger. It reminded me of a high end Belgium beer and was my choice for the night. There was a maple, which tasted faintly of maple and didn't do that much for me. There was also a new IPA which was good, but I'm not really much of an IPA man and have been rejecting the high hop trend in microbrewing nowadays. Unfortunately, given my mood, adjusting to the new bp med tenoretic, and an open bar, I lost count of those damn saisons and way overdid it, which left me puking out the car window on the way home. I had a designated driver and the rest of the car riders were sympathetic, heck, they were part of my psych jedi-nite-krew, so it was very purgative. But my body still hurts, that strange after-barfing bruising from the inside that pokes me when I cough.

Sunday - easter - me, T and the pom went to visit my mom so they could dye eggs. It's been a ritual since T was a baby - something mom and T continue to share and seemed was especially important now, even tho it was a day late so I couldn't play easter bunny and hide eggs (T caught on to that long ago of course, but we maintained the ritual until last year). It was very peaceful and relaxing. After working all day, S picked up T and took her home, and I chatted with my mom and helped her with the first load of giving my dad's clothes away to charity as there was a pick-up this morning. She asks me if I want anything, but my dad's cloths are really funky and old, nothing I'd ever wear - maybe an aloha shirt - but some of the stuff is just absurd. I see now why my own sense of fashion is so fucked up. After my mom went to bed, I watched Enter the Dragon, a movie I know by heart like MP and the Holy Grail, and reflected on all the great kung fu movies my dad and I used to watch together. I remember my dad's satisfied grin after we saw a good one like EtD.

Both my mom and I let go a lot when my dad went into hospice, so the transition is easier. It still gets me of course, and surely will for some time to come. Writing this out is good therapy, although it does make me misty. Work is ok - i haven't stabbed anyone yet - and i've arranged for a week of telecommuting for the most part.

Thanks for reading.

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

Age and treachery over youth and skill every time.

[Drunk Monk]

Delete the part of the subhead that says 'What's up with Gene's Dad?' my dad is dead.

It's been an exhausting week. I didn't realize how tiring mourning can be - physically tiring - that whole depression impacting my physical well-being. I really want to just curl up in some blankets with a bottle of whiskey and some Kung Fu vids. I can't really tell how much of it is adjusting to the new blood pressure med either. That does give me moments of sleepiness and dizziness, and I still have occasional hacking cough fits, but much less than before. yesterday I spaced out taking my blood pressure med until lunch when my heart started pounding like it was going to burst. fuckin med. This new one, the Tenoretic (Atenolol/Chlorthalidone), is really addictive in that if I stop, I go into withdrawal in hours. I hate being addicted to meds, but what else to do at this point? Toggling my BP has sent me on this weird internal rollercoaster ride, coupled with my emotional state, it's hard to tell where I am nowadays, at least from the inside.

I'm bummed that this week fell in a way that I can't spend more time with my mom. We've been chatting on the phone daily, not really about much, just idle errand-like chats about what's been going on. We both tell each other we're doing ok. And on the whole, we probably are, all things considered. On Wed, I went up to SF for a meeting with WildAid and a screener of Brick Mansions. I left work early in hopes of enjoying chinatown a little more, but got snagged in traffic just after I passed my chance to take the san mateo, and ended up screaming furiously in the gridlock (my rage surges are on a hair-trigger nowadays). Nevertheless, I made my meeting just in time and it all went very well. After that, I lurked about chinatown, half-assedly searching for a horse trophy for our year of the horse - horse stance competition (I did find some within the budget I was given, but they were too fragile and heavy for me to want to carry them around for the rest of the night). I ended up in my fav tea shop, red blossom, where a saleslady treated me to some top shelf white teas. wound up sitting next to this gay tea fanatic, who might have been hitting on me. it was all good tho - i was flattered and it was fun to try to keep up with those tea masters as their knowledge of teas was far superior to mine. then i grabbed my fav vegan philly at loving hut and met my old buddy, mike, for the screener. when my dad went into hospice, mike told me of his mom who had a similar 'few months to live' diagnosis, and then went on to live in a nursing home for nine more years (catatonic at the end) costing the family their nice home in the sunset district. i'm grateful my dad's situation didn't go that way. the long journey back down the PCH flew by because my mind was racing over so many things. i was shocked how quickly i was back. i took an extra telecommute day yesterday to finish my BRick Mansions review and avoid the adhd outbursts of g2, which are at their height with our tournament less than a month away - it's taking much of my restraint not to just light into my coworkers. fortunately, i'm tired, so there's some self-restraint inherent in that.

tomorrow is a jog/walk-a-thon fundraiser at T's school, so i'll spend the morning up on the mountain. it's raining now, so that might be miserable and muddy if it's not over the cloud bank as it often is. then the rest of the weekend is just chillin, which is good because it's what i feel i need. next week is the issue deadline, but we're in pretty good shape, so i can limp along morosely.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

This is temporary insanity, as opposed to your regular insanity. My temper sorted it self out in a couple weeks with no casualties, but then I wasn't trying to run a major martial arts competition and get a magazine published. I found that my busy schedule helped to keep me from just keeling over, but it does suck to be that worn out all the time. The spacing-out diminishes after a few months, dwindling to almost nothing. The tears stay just below the surface for longer.

I hope you get some down time this weekend like you think, even some alone time. I always do my crying in private.

[Drunk Monk]

My temper sorted it self out in a couple weeks with no casualties, but then I wasn't trying to run a major martial arts competition and get a magazine published.

I'm guessing there wasn't a saber handy in the gun rack of your car either.

I felt like crap going into Kung Fu practice, and told my monk teacher so, so he dialed it back a little. The only thing that was a little dicey was some spear practice with live spearpoints. But I felt great after. I think if I could just get to practice more, I could heal faster.

The walk-a-thon went well. My responsibilities were minor and it was chilly, but T was one of the first to finish, which of course, made me proud. We had a pleasant day and enjoyed My Neighbor Totoro for movie night. It's one of T's favs, which I got for her as an Easter gift and despite my adoration of Studio Ghibli, had never seen before. After hearing so much about it, it wasn't what I expected at all - the story had such a human focus really. It was very enjoyable and there's a Totoro sushi bar on Mission in the Cruz that I'm now dying to check out.

Today has been very mellow. S is working and T is catching up on homework, prepping for finals. I'm catching up on chores and being very lazy. T & I will probably watch my other Easter gift to her, Fantasia (she had asked what my fav Disney flick was, and I answered with this one and was then surprised to learn that she has yet to see it - not available on Hulu+, netflix or iTunes, but I found a used copy - hope it plays well).

[Drunk Monk]

I'm not sure which is worse really as my rather long and drawn out experience surely lessened the final blow or something sudden, but I've lived with this sword of damocles dangling over my head for over a decade now. Those final months at the nursing home were so bittersweet. At first, my mom and I would visit together, but over time, I would go on my own every week to spend some time with my Dad. My mom spent most every morning with him there, and I would see her name on the sign-in book. I'd visit my dad after work, after wrasslin the commute from a more oblique direction from my usual commute, and that facility was very peaceful. I would get there as they were corralling all the patients up for dinner, and I'd find my dad in his wheelchair usually in the activities room or lined up in the hall with other patients. The staff there was amazingly compassionate - it would burn me out so quickly to work in that environment. So much death. My dad outlived his roommates. I'd steal him away for a bit - usually we went to the atrium where there was a lovely bunny hutch around a massive old oak - very relaxing. During the winter, we would find an empty room to tuck into - the dining hall, the tv room. I'd chat at him - tell him everything I could remember of note from the week prior. I'd ask him if anyone visited him, who he was feeling, if the food was ok. And I'd tell him not to worry about mom or me, that we were fine, and that I loved him. Each time I left, I knew it might be the last time I saw him alive. And I remember often thinking that there would be some solace in the fact that I'd never have to go back to that nursing home, not that it was a bad place, it was actually a very nice facility, clean and compassionate, but there was so much death in everyone's eyes. I was planning to see him the evening after he passed away. My mom had been giving me daily updates from about the weekend on, and it felt like it would be soon, but not so much that I had to hurry, to change my schedule. So I missed a final goodbye, which is somewhat regrettable, but it's not like I hadn't said goodbye every freakin week for eight months prior.

And I am very glad not to have to go back there.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

No good options in this, just a choice of less bad. I think it must compare to having a kid in that there is no way to really prepare for it (i've been told many times by highly articulate friends who have kids) it is just bigger than anything you can imagine and it will echo throughout your life.

Birth and Death, bigger than all the words in the world.

[Drunk Monk]

You know, I think my biggest sadness with my Dad is that his stroke robbed him of a better relationship with T. My dad loved kids and was great with them. He recognized T after his stroke, even commenting to my mom by saying 'girl' when we missed a weekly visit. I took T to the nursing home a few times. She didn't like it - who would? - but as a parent, I felt it was important for her to see it.

On Wednesday, I had dinner w/my mom and spent the night in S'vale. My mom keeps repeating how relieved she is, and she genuinely is relieved as no one thinks they signed up for a decade of caretaking when they take their wedding vows, especially not in your 80s. She was in good spirits all things considered. Her circle of friends has been taking her out to eat, and she's been enjoying her new found freedom to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. Mom and I watched Castle, which I turned her on to a little while ago and it has become our comfort TV. I helped her move some of my dad's stuff that she's donating to a church rummage sale (my cousins' church, the couple that live very nearby). She's finding all sorts of weird crap that my dad had - no porn, nothing like that - just odd trinkets like some cheesey jewelry still in their touristy packaging. Maybe they were to be gifts to T. I gave them to T last night and she liked them - she's wearing one of the bracelets regularly now.

[Drunk Monk]

My CA summer rollercoaster has had me on such a journey that I haven't really had that much time to reflect beyond passing thoughts during the commute. My mom is settling into her new lifestyle which is quite active for a widow in her eighties. She worries about her forgetfulness and is still sorting paperwork with bank accounts and such. My dad spread his money out over multiple banks and investments. I spend one night a week at my mom's home, checking in on her and saving on my commute. We go out to dinner, of which she almost always saves half for the next night, and she often has some trivial chore for me to do. Then she goes to bed early and I watch stuff on Xfinity sitting in my dad's old chair, where he sat and watched TV for 10 years. It's trippy to be the house of my childhood. It's the most permanent fixture in my life and yet seems so transient now that my father is not there anymore. I worry about my mom and about this house full to the brim with odd junk. Tons of photos everywhere. The house is functional, but there's a lot of bits in disrepair - worn through carpet here, a broken toilet paper dispenser there - the medieval fridge still works amazingly enough. That monster is over 4 decades old and still going strong. I worry mostly because of the stairs - that house has a lot of pointless stairs - and my mom falling. She's got great neighbors however, friendly and concerned, keeping a watchful eye to see that the newspaper is picked up every morning. We've settled into a comfortable rhythm actually. T will spend a week with my mom this summer, along with the pom. That should be good for everyone.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

And so it goes. Glad you get time with your mom and that she is doing well.