my mom

[Drunk Monk]

It’s not the end that bothers me. It’s the suffering. I watched my dad suffer his aphasia for over a decade. My mom handled that bravely but now she’s in a phase where she’s experiencing intense physical  pain again - level 8-10. I’ve watched her suffer so much. Since my dad died, this is the third time she’ll have to relearn how to walk. The first was her knee, which was miraculously quick, then her spine which was painstakingly slow, now this. Less sure if she’ll make it. If not, she’ll have to suffer living out the rest of her life in a facility. 

They’ve placed her in the same rehab where she was before, with the bunnies, where my dad died. Going back there is going to be hard on me. I went there every week for months while my dad diminished; just to sit with him for a while, to keep him company and be present.

Now at 4am, the house is deathly quiet and cold. I turned off the heat because it’s noisy and dries my sinuses.  There’s an occasional creak from some fading ghost and I just heard a siren from far away. 

Been having a tough time getting random messages from the hospital. My ringer was off for some reason so I keep missing and am playing phone tag with the case manager and now some new guy from the lab or somewhere. I’m still not in direct contact with her doc.