Stro

[Drunk Monk]

Well, I tried to get my aerial working to watch the superb owl, but no.  I'm following it on the web.  Meanwhile, I watched Stro.  

The poem didn't work for me either, especially as the open.  If you're attached to including it, I'd move it to the end credits as something to keep people's attention as they scroll. The intro was the weakest part and that's tough because you really gotta set that hook to reel them in.  I'd rework the intro entirely but I don't know how yet.  Let me ruminate on suggestions.

Once it gets rolling, I enjoyed the overall flow of the story.  I learned a few things I didn't know about Stro, or at least, put it all together in a linear timeline.  That was enjoyable - thank you for that. 

I assume the title cards you had for some of the narration are placeholders.  I trust those will be filled in later.  

Don't repeat images.  Way too many uses of that nekkid stro shot.  If you need filler, you might be able to add silhouetted fencers, or shots of fencing.  It could use more sword fights.  Seriously.  Your draw is that this about fencing so you should show more fencing somehow.  I'm sure that's something you can stage easily.  Fencing is your sell point so maximize that at every opportunity.  Work fencing images in everywhere that you can.  The narrative is a deep dive for fencers, so that's totally covered. This needs the shallow surface swashbuckling for non-fencers, otherwise it's just a bunch of old talking heads (and one super hawt martial arts publisher) that no one outside the fencing world knows.  

Some psychedelic effects could enhance the drug portions, but be super subtle about that. The one thing sobers miss when they try to catch the psychedelic vision is they overdo it.  It should be just accents on the edges, in the periphery, so the viewer isn't quite sure if it's real or hallucination. That's also an audience that you'll want to cater to too.

The use of the old issues of American Fencers to introduce talking heads was inspired.  It needs a sound effect tho.  Maybe something like a ringing sword sound?  You could poach one off any sword swinging Kung Fu flick.

Define the difference between Saber, Epee and Foil before discussing it.  That'll dangle for any naive audience, which is pretty much everyone except all the fencers who will watch this.  And you got them already.

PPFY comes of very well.  Gay does too.  Jr would come off better if he wasn't so slouchy.  I am proud to be the long hair talking head, even though I've shorn my locks since then.  I like to think Stro would be proud of that, especially since I'm the outlier, the one talking head who has no significant competitive record or fencing achievements.  I can't even play the token Asian card cuz ya got Connie.  But I gotz locks.  Or at least I did.  Seriously tho, it's a honor to be included.  Stro had a profound effect on my life too. 

For a first rough cut, it's got a good story flow and rhythm.  Most of it just needs polishing.  The intro needs reworking.  That's the most glaring flaw.  Keep chipping at it, Greg.  It's going the right direction.  Good work!