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+--- Thread: my father (/showthread.php?tid=108)
My dad's longterm insurence isn't as good for home health ca - Drunk Monk - 08-29-2013
...looks like he's going to need specialized care anyway. He needs to stabilize before we can really make any decisions. I think we have sixty days of coverage for the facility he is in, as long as the doctor continues to prescribe specialized care.
As for me, well, it's like they say 'no rest for the wicked'. I'm looking forward to a mellow holiday weekend at the bungalow at least.
Re: my father - Dr. Ivor Yeti - 08-31-2013
i feel ya, Bro. i hope you get a little down time this weekend.
not too much new to report - Drunk Monk - 09-03-2013
my mom seems set on putting my dad in a home. we'll celebrate her birthday tonight with a dinner at her fav restaurant.
Yesterday was my mom's birthday. - Drunk Monk - 09-04-2013
It was also the day that the doctor chose to inform her that my dad has been degrading quickly and the next step would be hospice care. The hardest issue now is that he is not swallowing. He'll stuff his face and chew, and get frustrated. It's probably due to dementia. We are not planning to force feed him. He's going for a barium swallow test today, which we're not sure how will work as he doesn't swallow. That's modern medicine for you - the test to help figure out why he won't swallow requires swallowing. My mom can't watch him eat anymore because it's too distressing. As I've mentioned before, my dad has always been a good eater.
So, we're still in a holding pattern. As he still requires specialized care, his insurance will cover his stay at the nursing home. Another nursing home probably won't take him as they generally don't take patients that don't swallow (my mom already contacted a few and was informed of this). So it'll be a hospice or back home with additional care. We'd both like to get him back home, but he's still unstable now, so whether that will be manageable remains to be seen.
My mom is holding it together as best as she can. Stacy and I took her out to dinner and gave her presents last night, which cheered her up a lot. She was never really big on birthdays. Some of her old bridge friends came by during the day and surprised her with cards and well wishes.
Like Cole's mom, neither of my parents want a funeral and are going the Neptune Society route. While we're on the topic, I do want a funeral for myself just because I want you guys to be the pall bearers.
Follow up - Greg_phpbb3_import1 - 09-04-2013
Do we wear the Tuxes or the Ninja outfits as pall bearers? Can we set a date when to do this?
fair question - Drunk Monk - 09-04-2013
i'll let you all decide. it won't really matter to me at that point.
Re: my father - Dr. Ivor Yeti - 09-05-2013
We should do it while you are still alive -- it would be a shame for you to miss the party.
i'll be there...in body but maybe not in spirit - Drunk Monk - 09-06-2013
Dad's swallowing issue is pretty dramatic. When I visited today, he had a mouthful of food that he wouldn't let go of or swallow, even when he had some coughing fits. His old backpacking friend Dale and his wife Emily were there too. Dad acknowledged us when we touched him, and would wipe the food from his chin, but he seemed pretty out of it. Mom is getting really frazzled. She gets this particular expression when she's about to break - frustration mixed with grief. It's hard to bear. She's struggling with insurance and finding a hospice. The doc figures my Dad has a month or two, but I'm not sure what that's based upon. Mom is hoping to keep him at the current facility after Dad's need for specialized care expires (probably next week as his injuries have healed enough). That facility is $8K+ a month, but if it's only a few months, it is manageable. Long term insurance doesn't kick in for 60 days, and that'll only be $100 a day.
Re: my father - Dr. Ivor Yeti - 09-07-2013
So he's not eating at all? Will they tube him or can he take in liquids? Options care-wise ... On-Lok or any other community-based help? Also, maybe getting out of metro Silicon Valley will be cheaper. I can contact my brother who just went through this two months ago in south county if you like -- just lemme know.
I appreciate that, Cole - Drunk Monk - 09-09-2013
Dad shovels food into his mouth, chews, but doesn't swallow it. He'll stuff his mouth until it is full, and then hold the food in his mouth for as long as he can. It's advanced dementia. At this rate, he will die of starvation or aspirate.
He is losing weight dramatically. We are not opting to tube feed. What would the point of that be? Prolong his suffering?
Mom is exhausted and is looking at the easiest, most comfortable path, which would be to keep dad at the facility he is in, despite it's expense. It's actually kind of tricky, insurance-wise, as long term doesn't kick in for a while and nursing homes aren't accepting hospice care when they don't eat. There's a meeting with the doctor and some support staff today, so we'll see if the transfer can happen.
Re: my father - cranefly - 09-09-2013
When my dad was dying of prostate cancer, I went back to Indiana to visit when I could, but I wasn't there for the end game. My mom, sister and younger brother were caring for him at home, with help from a caregiver. The decision was made not to tube feed, as Dad was no longer conscious. A lady in the community learned of this and went a bit berserk, accusing my family of barbarism and evil for not tube-feeding him. She threatened to report them to the authorities. It was a nightmare on top of a nightmare.
I only recently learned of this additional drama to what was going on in my dad's final days.
So sorry to hear about what is going on with you and your family.
That's terrible, Gary - Drunk Monk - 09-10-2013
What an idiot that community lady was. Some people. :roll:
At nursing homes, you can sign off to waive tube feeding. Mom is set on keeping Dad at the home he is at now, despite the cost, convinced that he will only live another couple of months. The cost is about $8K, which doesn't include extras, and there are a lot of those. For example, mom does his laundry at home to save some. The facility does seem to be quite caring and the trouble to move him now would be excessive. My generally paranoid mind imagines them tube feeding him at night, just to keep the rent coming in, but they get plenty of patients so that's just my morbid imagination on the run.
Mom says that she feels they did all they wanted to do, that they didn't have a 'bucket list', and that it's time. She spends her mornings with Dad but can't watch him eat because it's 'sickening' - she gets pretty broken up when she describes it. My dad has always been a good eater and she says she can see his frustration about not being able to swallow. She goes home in the afternoon and rests. She's been eating voraciously, surely to keep her energy up (she's typically a very light eater). I'll be by again tomorrow night, and my cousins, who are in S'vale too, took her out to dinner last night. They are quite close and very supportive. Coincidentally, he just lost his mom, my dad's sister, and some of their friends brought over a lot of casseroles that they can't finish as a gesture of sympathy, so they'll have my mom over tonight. They just returned from my Aunt's funeral in Hawaii last week.
I find myself vacillating between 4 of Kubler-Ross's 5 stages, omitting bargaining because there's nothing to bargain, and frankly Buddhism doesn't work like that. Being a psych student, and also being reminded about Kubler-Ross's work from Cole's mom, I'm all too familiar with grief stages. Strangely, I'm keep thinking of an episode of the Simpsons when Homer goes through the stages in a minute as Lisa describes them.
Writing has been a bitch. I can zing out forum responses and curt emails, I can't stay focused for a full paragraph of any weight. Ironically, I'm working on a cover story that has been in our queue for a few years - it's on a style that derives from one of my favorite legends, Outlaws of the Marsh, and I've been fantasizing about all of the different metaphors and such I can pull in from that epic tale to structure the article since we did the first interview so many years ago. Now, I'm just trying to get through it.
I'm going to go hit happy hour at the brewery with a partner-in-crime tonight, and I plan to work a big EDM event this Saturday to stick my head in a big fat bass subwoofer and forget it all for a moment.
Now it's a waiting game.
Re: my father - Dr. Ivor Yeti - 09-11-2013
thinking about you and your mom, dude.
Re: my father - Greg_phpbb3_import1 - 09-11-2013
I want to be in that movie where I have that clever quip that is just the right thing to say at this moment that ameliorates DM's situation just a little bit. But that isn't happening.
![[Image: beatleGene.jpg]](http://brotherhoodofdoom.com/Images_Global/greg/beatleGene.jpg)
Re: my father - El Dingo - 09-11-2013
My friend.
My father's death was devastating.
Not because of the loss, but because of the knowledge that my father would never have wanted my mother to endure what she did.
I do not know how to make anything better.